Have you ever told yourself, "I'll be happy when..."?
I'll be happy when I finish my degree. When I make more money. When I buy a house. When I finally have the career I've been working toward.
I think most of us have experienced this at some point. We establish goals, work toward them, and imagine how much better life will be once we achieve them.
But I've been thinking about something lately.
What if we become so focused on creating the conditions for a good life that we forget to experience the life we're already living?
I recently came across this question while reading Hartmut Rosa's Resonance: A Sociology of Our Relationship to the World.
Rosa challenges a common assumption about modern society: that accumulating more resources, opportunities, and achievements necessarily brings us closer to happiness.
And while I find his argument compelling, I also think happiness is a little more complicated than that.
Are We Pursuing Happiness or Preparing for It?
Have you ever worked so hard toward something that you forgot why you wanted it in the first place?
Hartmut Rosa argues that modern society has conditioned us to believe that a better life comes from having more: more education, more money, more opportunities, more achievements.
And he's not entirely wrong. Those things can improve our lives. But I think there's a difference between pursuing something that genuinely matters to us and constantly chasing the next milestone because we believe happiness is waiting on the other side.
Imagine spending ten years building a successful career so you can finally have the freedom to enjoy life. But once you get there, you're already thinking about the next promotion, the next investment, or the next achievement.
At what point do you actually start enjoying what you've worked for?
Then again, I don't think ambition and happiness are necessarily opposites.
Someone pursuing an advanced degree might be exhausted and overwhelmed but still find tremendous fulfillment in learning. Psychology calls this eudaimonic well-being: finding meaning and purpose, even when life isn't particularly easy or pleasurable.
Maybe the problem isn't that we're constantly working toward something. It's that we sometimes forget we're allowed to enjoy the journey, too.
What If Happiness Changes as We Do?
Here's something else I've been thinking about: why do we expect happiness to stay the same?
Think about getting your first apartment. At the time, it might feel like you've finally made it. A few years later, you're dreaming about owning a house.
Psychologists call part of this hedonic adaptation. We become accustomed to improvements in our circumstances, and the initial excitement fades.
But I wonder if there's more to it.
Maybe you want a house because you've outgrown your apartment. Maybe your priorities have changed. Maybe the things that brought you happiness five years ago simply aren't the same things that bring you happiness today.
And I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.
We also tend to describe people as either happy or unhappy, as though happiness is one experience that applies to every part of our lives.
But someone can love their career and feel lonely in their relationships. Someone else can struggle financially while finding tremendous joy in their family and friendships.
Both experiences can exist at once.
Maybe happiness isn't something we finally achieve and hold onto forever. Maybe it evolves alongside us.
And perhaps the more interesting question isn't whether we're happy, but whether we're still finding meaning in the lives we're creating.
What Does It Mean to Experience Resonance?
This brings me back to Rosa.
Rather than defining a good life primarily through the resources we possess, Rosa introduces the concept of resonance.
Resonance refers to a meaningful, responsive relationship with the world.
It's what happens when something genuinely affects us, we respond to it, and the experience has the potential to change us.
Think about listening to a piece of music that moves you emotionally.
Having a conversation that challenges the way you understand something.
Standing in nature and feeling profoundly connected to your surroundings.
Or becoming so engaged in something meaningful that, for a moment, you're no longer preoccupied with what comes next.
These experiences aren't necessarily dependent on wealth, achievement, or social status.
And importantly, resonance isn't simply another word for happiness. An experience can challenge or unsettle us while still creating a meaningful connection with the world.
What I appreciate about Rosa's perspective is that it shifts our attention from what we possess to how we experience our lives.
But resonance also isn't something we can simply acquire or guarantee.
We can't necessarily schedule a meaningful experience and expect it to transform us.
Sometimes, the most profound moments happen when we're simply open to experiencing them.
Your Resonance Map
What makes you feel alive? Explore the people, places, and experiences that make you feel connected to the world.
Step 1 · Explore Your Connections
For each area, choose whether it currently feels alive, has become distant, or is something you'd like to rediscover.
Step 2 · Your Personal Constellation
Watch your constellation illuminate as you explore your connections. Every star represents a different part of your lived experience.
Your constellation changes as you make selections. On smaller screens, swipe horizontally to see the complete map.
Your Personal Reflection
Select the connections above to begin revealing your personal resonance map.
One connection I'd like to make more room for...
Are We Helping People Live Better or Just Function Better?
As a licensed clincial social worker, I find another dimension of Rosa's argument particularly thought-provoking.
In mental health treatment, we often focus on reducing symptoms, developing coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and increasing daily functioning.
These are important goals.
But I wonder whether we sometimes become so focused on helping people function effectively that we overlook a deeper question:
What are we helping them function for?
Someone might learn effective coping strategies, become more productive at work, and experience fewer symptoms of anxiety.
But what if they still feel disconnected from their relationships, their environment, or their sense of purpose?
Would symptom reduction alone mean they have achieved a fulfilling life?
I don't think so.
This is where I see an important connection between Rosa's sociology, humanistic psychology, and transpersonal approaches to well-being.
Clinical progress can involve more than reducing distress.
It can also involve rediscovering meaning, strengthening relationships, experiencing connection, and developing a different relationship with oneself and the world.
Of course, we shouldn't overlook the importance of safety, financial stability, healthcare, or other basic needs.
But we should also recognize that having the resources necessary to live and feeling meaningfully engaged in life are related, yet distinct experiences.
Maybe the Goal Isn't to Always Be Happy
The more I reflect on this topic, the less convinced I am that happiness should be treated as a permanent destination.
Our lives are constantly changing.
Our relationships evolve. Our priorities shift. Our circumstances improve or become more difficult.
And what once brought us fulfillment may eventually take on a different meaning.
I don't think that's necessarily something to resist.
Maybe the goal isn't to achieve a life in which we never feel dissatisfied, uncertain, or unhappy.
Maybe it's to develop the capacity to remain engaged with life as it changes.
To appreciate what we have while remaining open to growth.
To pursue meaningful goals without becoming psychologically absent from the experiences unfolding along the way.
And to recognize that sometimes the life we're working so hard to create is already happening around us.
Perhaps the question isn't whether we should stop pursuing more, but whether we know what we're pursuing it for—and whether we're allowing ourselves to experience life along the way.
Because a fulfilling life may not be one in which we eventually acquire everything we want.
It may be one in which we continue finding meaningful ways to connect with the world, even as what we want continues to change.
References
Rosa, H. (2019). Resonance: A sociology of our relationship to the world. Polity Press.
Rosa, H. (2013). Social acceleration: A new theory of modernity. Columbia University Press.
Author's Note: This reflection was inspired by Hartmut Rosa's theory of resonance and my ongoing interests in humanistic psychology, transpersonal psychology, and the relationship between psychological well-being, meaning, and human experience.
Reflection Question: Are you finding meaning and happiness in the life you're currently living, or do you sometimes feel as though you're waiting for the next achievement before allowing yourself to enjoy it?
