How to Build Identity Through Values
"I have no clue who I am."
It is a statement I hear often in therapy. Clients come in feeling untethered, drifting through life without a clear sense of self. They look for identity in their jobs, their relationships, or their social media presence, but they still feel empty.
When helping clients navigate this fog, I don't start with their childhood or their five-year plan. I start with their values.
The Real Self vs. The Ideal Self
It is important to know what our values are because they shape how we present in the world. When our actions and decisions align with our core values, we live an authentic and fulfilling life.
Psychologists Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers emphasized that to reach self-actualization, we must live in harmony with our values. They described a dynamic between two versions of the self:
The Ideal Self: Who you want to be.
The Real Self: How you genuinely act, think, and feel.
When there is a gap between these two, when you value honesty but lie to keep the peace, or value health but neglect your body, it creates internal conflict. This gap leads to low self-esteem and a distorted self-image (Kirova, 2023).
Building a strong sense of identity requires closing that gap. We must ensure that the decisions we make are a reflection of the values we hold.
My Five Core Values
In my own journey, I have identified five core values that serve as my compass: Benevolence, Self-Direction, Growth, Resilience, and Achievement. These aren't just words on a page; they are the architectural pillars of my life.
1. Benevolence I prioritize benevolence because I know what it’s like to need it. As a child, it was through the kindness and generosity of strangers that I received basic necessities like clothing, food, and shelter. Those small acts showed me the power of compassion. Today, I advocate for vulnerable populations and engage in philanthropy to remind others that there is always someone willing to help.
2. Self-Direction I have always valued the freedom to carve my own path. This independence drove me to pursue multiple degrees and open a private practice. I need to define my own success, not follow a template set by others.
3. Achievement Closely linked to self-direction, achievement fuels my drive. It pushes me to set ambitious goals, such as writing children’s books and speaking at conferences. It’s about turning the "Ideal Self" into reality.
4. Resilience This value was developed in the fires of adversity. Despite the challenges I faced as a foster youth, including abuse, homelessness and financial instability, I never let my circumstances define me. Resilience is the force that kept me moving when the odds were against me.
5. Growth Finally, growth is at the center of everything I do. Whether it is learning a new therapeutic approach, becoming a better parent, or stepping into leadership roles, I believe we must continually expand our understanding of ourselves.
Conclusion
If you feel like you don't know who you are, stop looking for a label. Instead, look for your values. Your identity is not something you find; it is something you build by aligning your actions with your beliefs.
References
AWBW. (2023). Sample values. A Window Between Worlds.
Kirova, D. (2023). How values shape identity. Values Institute.
