The Heavy Cloak: What Actually Happens When Shame Lifts
Merriam-Webster defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.” But anyone who has felt it, which is to say, all of us, knows it is much heavier than a dictionary definition.
Reflecting on my work and personal life, I’ve seen so many clients, friends, and family members struggle under the weight of shame. I’ve struggled with it myself. It is a pervasive force, yet getting to the root cause of it isn't always achieved through traditional psychotherapy training.
I remember diving into the work of the Center for Healing Shame, and it completely shifted my perspective on how we treat this toxic emotion.
A Different Approach to Healing
Standard therapy often treats the symptoms that shame causes: anxiety, depression, withdrawal. But a specialized approach is needed to target the shame itself.
The education I explored focuses on showing clients how to identify, process, and ultimately move beyond these feelings. There are four key components to this work that I found particularly powerful:
Countering Implicit Shame: We must become sensitive to the shame that is often implicit in the therapy situation itself (the power dynamic, the vulnerability) and learn how to actively counter it.
Separating Emotions: Helping clients distinguish shame from other emotions, so it doesn't color their entire experience.
Reversing the Outcome: Learning how to take clients back to early shaming situations in their memories and "reverse" the outcome, empowering them in a space where they once felt powerless.
Moving Energy Outward: Supporting clients to move their energy powerfully outward into the world, rather than turning it inward against themselves.
The Therapist as a "New Mirror"
One of the most touching examples of this work comes from a case study by Rubin (2018). She described shame as a "cover" for the deeper parts of a person, a way we learn to hold back our true thoughts and emotions to stay safe.
To heal this, the therapist must become a "new mirror." Instead of mirroring the client's self-criticism, the therapist mirrors the positives and the changes the client is making.
This concept resonates deeply with me. By becoming a positive mirror, we allow clients to see their actual potential rather than their perceived brokenness. In Rubin’s story, when the shame lifted, it wasn't just a relief; it made space for "happiness and joy," two emotions that were entirely new to the client.
Conclusion
This therapeutic approach focuses on shame from beginning to end, constantly reflecting on how our childhoods and current behaviors are influenced by toxic shame. It reminds me that the goal of therapy isn't just to analyze pain; it's to provide a safe place to let go of the hurt so we can finally welcome the joy we deserve.
References
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Shame.
Rubin, S. (2018). Transformance- What can happen when shame lifts. United States Association for Body Psychotherapy.
