Why You Can't Be Happy Without Sadness
One of the biggest criticisms of positive psychology is that it seems to privilege positive emotions over negative ones. In a culture obsessed with happiness, it’s easy to believe that feelings like sadness, anger, and fear are obstacles to be avoided or eliminated.
But can true happiness be achieved at the expense of avoiding negative emotions? My reflection on this has led me to a clear conclusion: absolutely not. Negative emotions don't just have a role to play in our lives; they are essential ingredients for a genuinely happy and fulfilling existence.
Negative emotions are what give positive emotions their meaning. If we only ever experienced positive moods, that state would simply become our new normal. The exhilarating "highs" of joy, enthusiasm, and pure bliss wouldn't be possible, because we'd have no contrast. Happiness is the peak, and to get to the peak, you have to start from the ground.
If we never felt down, I believe the "happy moments" we cherish would be easily taken for granted. Furthermore, never experiencing negative feelings would make dealing with adversity incredibly challenging, because the feelings would be so unfamiliar. The ability to build resilience would be almost impossible.
The Two Sides of Healing from Trauma
When we're struggling with trauma and major life challenges, both positive and negative emotions play a vital role.
Positive emotions remind us of our own strength and provide the hope we need to keep going.
Negative emotions allow us to process feelings of loss, pain, and hurt.
Without processing and truly "sitting in" those negative feelings, it becomes much more difficult to accept what has happened and move forward. The goal isn't to be a victim of our emotions, but to use them as allies.
The Story of the Two Wolves
This brings to mind the powerful story of the two wolves that live inside each of us. One wolf is filled with anger, sorrow, and fear. The other is filled with joy, peace, and love. The one that wins the fight is "the one you feed."
While it’s often easier to feed into our negative feelings, the secret to a good life isn't about starving the "bad" wolf. It's about creating harmony and acceptance for both. Learning to utilize both our negative and positive feelings—learning from one and nourishing the other—is the key to becoming a whole, self-actualized person.
