“I Have No Clue Who I Am”: How Values Can Help Build Identity
“I have no clue who I am.”
I have heard many clients say some version of this in therapy.
Sometimes it comes after a major life transition. Sometimes after trauma. Sometimes after years of people-pleasing, survival mode, caregiving, perfectionism, or trying to become who everyone else needed them to be.
And honestly, it makes sense.
If you have spent a long time adapting, performing, surviving, or disconnecting from your own needs, identity can start to feel blurry. You may know what other people expect from you, but not what you want. You may know what you are “supposed” to do, but not what actually feels aligned.
When I help clients explore identity, I often start with values.
Not because values magically answer every question, but because they give us a place to begin.
What Are Values?
Values are the qualities, principles, and priorities that matter most to us.
They shape how we make decisions, how we relate to others, what we tolerate, what we pursue, and how we define a meaningful life.
Some examples of values include:
honesty
family
creativity
compassion
freedom
stability
growth
justice
spirituality
courage
connection
learning
rest
community
Values are not the same as goals.
A goal is something you can complete, like earning a degree, starting a business, or saving money. A value is a direction you can keep living into, like growth, service, creativity, or integrity.
You may achieve a goal, but you continue practicing a value.
Why Values Matter for Identity
Our values help answer questions like:
What kind of person do I want to be?
What matters to me when no one is watching?
What do I want my choices to reflect?
What kind of life feels meaningful?
What do I want to stand for?
Humanistic psychologists such as Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of living in alignment with one’s authentic self. Rogers, in particular, wrote about the gap between the “real self” and the “ideal self.”
The real self is who we actually are: our genuine thoughts, feelings, needs, patterns, and behaviors.
The ideal self is who we believe we should be or want to become.
When those two selves are too far apart, we may experience internal conflict, low self-esteem, shame, confusion, or a distorted sense of self.
Values can help bridge that gap.
When our choices begin to reflect what matters to us, we often feel more grounded in who we are.
When Your Life Does Not Match Your Values
One reason identity can feel confusing is that people often live according to survival needs, external pressure, or old roles instead of values.
For example:
You may value rest, but constantly overwork because you feel unsafe slowing down.
You may value honesty, but stay quiet because conflict feels dangerous.
You may value creativity, but suppress it because someone once told you it was impractical.
You may value connection, but isolate because vulnerability feels too risky.
You may value freedom, but keep choosing what is familiar because uncertainty feels overwhelming.
This does not mean you are failing at your values. It may mean your nervous system, history, environment, or responsibilities have made alignment difficult.
Values work is not about judging yourself. It is about noticing the gap with compassion.
My Own Core Values
When I think about my own identity, five values stand out most clearly:
Benevolence. Self-direction. Growth. Resilience. Achievement.
These values are not abstract to me. They are connected to my lived experience, my healing, and the work I do now.
Benevolence
Benevolence matters to me because I know what it is like to need help.
As a child, I was supported by the kindness and generosity of strangers who helped meet basic needs like food, clothing, and shelter. Those acts may have seemed small to someone else, but they taught me something profound: compassion can change the course of a person’s life.
That is one reason I care so deeply about vulnerable populations. It is why I advocate, give back, support others, and try to remind people that help does exist.
Benevolence is not just a nice idea to me. It is part of how I understand survival, healing, and community.
Self-Direction
Self-direction is another core part of who I am.
I have always valued independence and the freedom to carve my own path. I do not want someone else to define success for me. I want to be able to build, create, choose, and move in a way that feels authentic.
This value has shaped many of my decisions: pursuing multiple degrees, building a private practice, writing, creating, and choosing work that allows me to think independently and creatively.
Self-direction helps me remember that I am allowed to have agency in my own life.
Growth
Growth is at the center of almost everything I do.
I love learning. I love expanding. I love becoming more aware of myself, my work, my relationships, and the world around me.
Growth shows up in my desire to learn new therapeutic approaches, become a better parent, deepen my clinical skills, write, teach, and continue evolving.
To me, growth does not mean constantly striving or never being satisfied. It means staying open to transformation.
It means asking, “What is this teaching me?” without forcing everything painful to have a lesson.
Resilience
Resilience has been a guiding force in my life.
As a former foster youth who experienced homelessness and financial instability, I had many moments where my circumstances could have defined me. But they did not get the final say.
Resilience does not mean pretending things were easy. It does not mean never struggling. It means I kept finding ways forward, even when the path was unclear.
For me, resilience is not just about toughness. It is about adaptation, hope, and the refusal to let pain erase possibility.
Achievement
Achievement is also part of my identity.
I am driven by meaningful goals: building a private practice, writing children’s books, speaking at conferences, completing degrees, creating resources, and contributing to the field in ways that matter.
But achievement is healthiest for me when it stays connected to my other values.
Achievement without benevolence can become ego.
Achievement without growth can become pressure.
Achievement without resilience can become burnout.
Achievement without self-direction can become performing for other people.
That is why values do not stand alone. They work together.
Your Values Are Clues
If you feel unsure who you are, values can offer clues.
You might ask yourself:
What has always mattered to me, even when life was hard?
What kind of pain makes me want to act?
What do I admire in other people?
What do I want my choices to say about me?
When do I feel most like myself?
What am I no longer willing to abandon in myself?
You do not need perfect answers. Sometimes one word is enough.
Freedom. Peace. Honesty. Family. Creativity. Justice. Rest. Courage.
Start there.
Identity Is Built Through Practice
Identity is not just something we discover. It is something we practice.
Every time your actions move closer to your values, your identity becomes a little clearer.
If you value connection, you might send the honest text.
If you value rest, you might stop before you collapse.
If you value courage, you might tell the truth even with a shaky voice.
If you value creativity, you might make something imperfect.
If you value growth, you might let yourself be a beginner.
Values become identity when they move from ideas into action.
Final Reflection
If you have ever thought, “I have no clue who I am,” you are not alone.
Sometimes identity gets buried under survival, expectations, trauma, comparison, or years of becoming who other people needed you to be.
Values can help you begin again.
They can help you notice what matters, what feels aligned, and what kind of life you want to build.
You do not have to know your entire identity all at once.
You can start with one value.
Then ask:
What would it look like to live this, just a little, today?
References
AWBW. (2023). Sample values. A Window Between Worlds. https://awbw.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Sample-Values.pdf
Kirova, D. (2023). How values shape identity. Values Institute. https://values.institute/how-values-shape-identity/#Where_Values_Meet_Identity
